AMELIA WONDER.

i figured i should at least make an attempt to make my livejournal mean something miniscule, because so far... it does not and i've had it for like two summers, just about. so i've decided that i need somewhere to vent.

the closest thing i have to a best friend right now is my mother. she's the one who i've been telling in rich detail all my problems lately. it's kind of weird... but without her all my feelings would be tightly compaced 24/7 and i'd freakin' explode if i didn't get it out somewhere. (tragically enough, twhs? hahah, alrighty.)

the past, like... two months my life has been kind of a mess. especially the past month... holy crapola what a shit-fest my life has been. for some reason most of my friends like... hate/hated me? i dunno if that's the proper wording. but for some odd reason they avoid/avoided me and i had falling outs with a couple of people.

things were 'ish' fixed... then got even more screwed up for reasons unknown. so i have been UBER confused lately with my status with my friends. for some reason... i'm the bad guy? and i'm like... what the f, people. seriously, seriously? i can't think of what i did wrong. seriously... wtf. this is the most retarded thing ever because i'm not friends with my friends and yet i'm the bad guy here and i don't even know what i did wrong.

it's some sort of confidentialty thing goin' on. because i had a falling out with the... well this person of uber mega importance to me and he knew why but i didn't and he refused to tell me cause he said he "didn't want things to get worse" even though as needy and desperate as i am i sounded even needier and begged and pleaded for him to tell me but he just wouldn't and he said we should have a fresh start so i'm like thundercats are go, that's fine.

but my supposed BFF and one of my other really good friends knew about this reason... but they wouldn't/won't tell me at all. then my one friend told me a stupid lie that was "the reason" and then the next night i found out she'd lied so then i'm really like wtf, literally. and then i let go and apologized about being a bitch about all this... and so i moved on.

then last sunday the supposed BFF and the other good friend and i hung out and it was good cause things were muy mucho better and then we were all supposed to hang out that past saturday night and i asked her what she'd wound up doing and she told me she'd hung out with her boyfriend and those people. then i mistakenly asked who exactly "those people" were and she told me and i'm like "well what happened to all of us hanging out like we were supposed to? i had a crappy boring night. it was gay. why didn't you text me or something?" then the bombshell. she told me something that she said "you're not supposed to know this but..." and then she said that the boy of uber mega importance who said let's move on... told her *NOT to invite me to watch the movie with them. when it was a ton of them who are ALL my friends and they watched white chicks which is *******MYYYYY movie, cause that movie completes me... so i was kinda ticked.

so then things got rough and i freaked out, stupidly and things were said and then they were good-ish but not really then we got in an uber huge fight about nobody telling me why we'd had a falling out or why he said not to invite me and i was pissed uberly and it ended terribly with my best friend saying this was ridiculous and leaving and me slamming my front door.

shitty night, eh? EH, indeed.

then i'm a huge myspace whore and top friends shouldn't mean as much as they do... but nobody can help the emotional abuse they cause... cause they actually do matter as much as they shouldn't and as much as we "swear" they don't.

reality check *once and for all: THEY MEAN SOMETHING.

so when your best friend removes you COMPLETELY from her top friends... it means the shit has hit the fan or something.

still... she's #1 on mine... and there she'll stay. and then i'm racking my brain for reason of this complete and utter replacement... and i come up with this idea and notion:

i didn't do anything.

what the great and glorious *fuck.?

pardon my language... i've been rather fiesty lately. and right now i'm on a vitamin water energy tropical citrus KICK. it's my second within like five hours... wooooh. i'm all hopped up. also life has sucked so i've resulted to swearing... terrible, terrible idea. :/

anywho.

then on wednesday i grabbed her in a hug and promised i wouldn't bring it up ever again. she yelled at me and told me to get off of her.

ouch. it hurt. she told me she wasn't gonna listen to me. it really really hurt me baaaad.

then we went to a baseball game for my youth group and we played tag and stuff and then she kind of acted normal to me and the boy of uber importance and i chatted a bit and he asked me how i was doing and he realized not very good and kept asking if we needed to talk about it and i told him that i wasn't sure but i had loads of fun with him and this other guy and my other friends and i pinky promised later on to my best friend that i wouldn't bug her about it but i doubt she believed me but whatever that's as far as we got.

still not on her top friends at all, and i haven't talked to my other friend since sunday. which is weird cause we usually talked at least once a day.

my life has been mega screwed up lately.

my summer's gone to SHIIIITE.

i'm feeling downer than i thought i could.

but my mom says this is all a test. be it from god or satan or whatnot.

but where the crap is the decision i'm supposed to make here?

i'm lost, and that's a ten four good buddy.

so practically i've done some venting, and i feel a tad better. i have little optimism nowadays. so whatever happens... i guess it'll just happen.

thank you for listening, void. :)

Current Music: You Had Me At Hello - A Day To Remember.

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